How to Deal with Uncomfortable Feelings & Create Positive Ones By Lori Deschene

“Hope is the feeling that the feeling you have isn’t permanent.” ~Jean Kerr

For most of my life, I was a fugitive from my feelings.

Psychologists suggest that we are driven by two connected motivations: to feel pleasure and avoid pain. Most of us devote more energy to the latter than the former.

Instead of being proactive and making choices for our happiness, we react to things that happen in our lives, and fight or flee to minimize our pain.

Instead of deciding to end an unhealthy relationship and open up to a better one, we may stay and either avoid confrontation or initiate one to feel a sense of control. Instead of leaving a horrible job to find one we love, we may stay and complain about it all the time, trying to minimize the pain of accepting the situation as real—and enduring until we change it.

From a very young age, I felt overwhelmed by pain. As a pre-teen, I ate my feelings. As a teen, I starved them away. In college, I drank and smoked them numb. And in my twenties, I felt and cried my eyes red and raw.

I sobbed. I wailed. I shook and convulsed. And I wished I’d never chosen to feel them, but rather kept pushing them down, pretending everything was fine.

Except when I did that, they didn’t just go away—they compounded on top each other and built up until eventually I exploded, with no idea why I felt so bad.

One time when I was 17, I couldn’t open a jar of jelly. After ten minutes of twisting, banging, and fighting, I finally threw it at a wall and broke down.

You may think that was a sure sign I had emotional problems, and assume there was some pill to help anesthetize that sadness.

That’s what a lot of people thought. But the reality was a lot simpler: I simply never dealt with my feelings from events large and small, and eventually they dealt with me.

As unpleasant as it may sound, I needed to learn how to feel bad—but first I needed to understand why I felt bad so often. It’s a whole lot easier to deal with pain when it’s not the default feeling.

This, I’ve learned, comes down to three steps:

Developing emotional intelligence.
Learning to sit with negative feelings.
Creating situations for positive feelings.

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-deal-with-uncomfortable-feelings/

Inferiority of Black men

image

This picture says so much to me ,because Black people and white people assume because we have a Black president America had changed its ways towards minorities. We are in control of our own destinies our own legacy but we don’t control white America’s thoughts on entitlement.
How white men feel entitled to the  American dream, because white men founded this country white men wrote this countries laws.  There for any one person yellow ,purple, or black are able to achieve the American dream because the white people who built this country made it possible. With that thought a lone a white man has pride in his people in his country and he feels entitled to this dream. As a Black man my thought process was never that I was entitled to anything thing but hard work the American dream is what America teaches you growing up. Now that I’m a grown man I’m more focused on where I come from and what was the dream my people from my heritage where trying to share. Not America’s dream

How to Build Trust in a Relationship

Be predictable. A lot of people believe that mixing things up makes a great relationship. In other words, always planning something new to surprise the other. First, although surprises are nice from time to time, stability and uniformity will strengthen, and are far more important in a relationship. Uniformity sounds boring, and we would all like some surprise in our life, but you need to be predictable to make things work in the long run. Predictability builds trust.

2
Be Reliable. Trust is just another way of saying you can rely on someone. You trust your partner to do certain things no matter what at all times. This trust builds security in a relationship. The same thing is true when you are able to depend on all the other things that happen in a relationship to be just as reliable.

3
Mean what you say. Your partner can read your face better than anyone else. If you are lying, or trying to hide some true feeling by not quite saying all that is on your mind, they will be able to tell. They might even think you are cheating, which can tear down the trust in your relationship. When they know they can trust whatever comes out of your mouth without hesitation, then you are building a bond that can be unshakable.

4
Have faith in your partner’s capabilities. In other words, if you believe at all that they are not competent in some things, or all things they do, your trust in them will not be solid. If this is the case, you need to be up front with them on the issues in an honest and loving manner. This will allow you to work through this and keep the trust with each other.

5
Be up front with each other. Don’t keep anything hidden, nothing should be privileged and kept from the other. You have to know that sooner or later all things come to light, and the consequences of not being completely truthful will kill the trust, and ruin your relationship.

6
Don’t be reluctant to share your desires with each other. Too many people never let their partners know what they need. Don’t let your partner wonder, or try to guess what they should do for you. It is essential this happens with both partners. If only one partner is being catered to by the other, there is a chance one will feel smothered, or the other might feel neglected. Either scenario is not good.

7
Be willing to say no. It is ok to listen to your partner needs, and try to fulfil them, but sometimes it’s just as valuable to say no. You can’t do everything all the time, and you will actually earn some respect when you refuse to do something once in a while. Taking a stand, and imposing your own will, can actually enhance the trust between you.

8
Expand your relationship consistently. There will always be reasons for growth. Through good times and bad, you must always be willing to stand tall and face all trials. When we listen to each other, even if the things you are hearing might hurt your feelings, you must face them in order to strengthen your relationship. If you don’t do this, like a vine without water, your relationship will wither and die.

9
Trust your partner! How can your partner trust you when you don’t trust them? Having trust takes two people, and without one person building trust too, it’s like a fish without water.

http://m.wikihow.com/Build-Trust-in-a-Relationship

What I want you to know about being a young black man in America.

Man, I’m just glad I had a mom who gave me the realness from a young age. I can remember thinking she was so stuck in the past for telling me that I couldn’t do or say or wear certain things, that I could not stay out as late as my white friends could, that I could not “experiment” with any of the things my white friends did. I struggled so much with her for trying to impress upon me the fact that I was different. Because I’m not supposed to be. I lived in a nice house, spoke more than one language, was well educated and well socialized and I did not understand why I needed to constantly act in a manner designed to disarm another person’s suspicions about me.

What I want you to know about being a young black man in America.

But wow, I get it now. Every black kid has that moment where he has to decide to accept the armor that his parents present to him to get through life as an American black male, or walk around naked. And the crazy part is, it’s probably something most people outside of the black community never see. I can remember my mom talking to me over and over and over again about what to do and who to call if I was ever picked up by a police officer. She made sure I knew that I needed to declare that I was exercising my Miranda rights rather simply evoke them without notice. If you were in JNJ your mom probably made you take a WHOLE FREAKING CLASS on how to deal with police officers and other people who were perceived to be threatening.

And I say that to say that as scary as people think black males are, black males are conditioned to be ten times more afraid of everyone else. We’re conditioned to be afraid of going to certain parts of the country, afraid of people with certain political views, afraid of police officers, and sometimes even afraid of other black and Latino males. The most sickening thing about this whole trial has been the deliberate campaign to rob Trayvon of his right to be afraid. I know I would have been.

I owe my mom the deepest of apologies for all of the times that I accused her of overacting or trying to force-feed me a vision of a society long since passed….. One so different from the one that exists today.

http://www.rageagainsttheminivan.com/2013/07/what-i-want-you-to-know-about-being.html?m=1

Dealing with a Breakup – Letting Go of a Lost Love

There are few things in life as fulfilling as being in a good relationship. When that relationship ends, whether by them or by mutual consent, it can feel as though everything is crashing down around you. The good news is it’s not the end of the world. There are ways to get through these tough times.

The first thing to remember is that it is ok to cry or have regrets. After the split, take some time for yourself. Let yourself grieve the end of a phase of your life. Whether you were together for months or for years, when you decide to go your separate ways it is going to be sad. Chances are there were some bad times. If you didn’t have problems you would probably be together. Yet there were more than likely a lot of really good times too. There will be things about that person you will miss. So give a couple of days to yourself. Get it all out of your system and let the healing process

Once you get over the initial change in status, don’t second guess yourself. Be ok with the decisions you made before and during the breakup. You can’t change the past. Sitting around saying “what if” will only make you feel worse and could cause you to make a big mistake –going back to a relationship that just a day or two before you had good reason to get out of. There can be reasons to get back with an ex. Just make sure you are doing it for the right reasons.

If you are having a hard time adjusting after a breakup, remember your support system. Lean on close friends and family. Make sure you don’t isolate yourself from the rest of the world. There are still people out there who care about you and if you cut yourself off from the world you risk losing out on those people as well. Go out and have a night with your best friend. Chances are if you were in a serious relationship you haven’t gotten to go out just the two of you in a while anyway.

Get rid of the bad memories. Look around your place and see if there are things that remind you of that person in a particular way. It may not be possible to trash everything that makes you think of them. Yet, if there are things that bring up particularly strong memories, you may want to move them to the attic for a while. More importantly, if there is something around that reminds you of a particularly bad instance, this may be a good time to get rid of it. Memories will fade over time but years down the road you will see something that will remind you of someone from your past. There’s nothing wrong with that at all. The last thing you want is to be sitting alone right after a big breakup and see something that reminds you of bad things that have recently happened.

Now for a great big DON’T. Don’t jump right into another relationship. You just ended a big phase of your life. Take some time before you start the next big one. Spend some quality time with friends and family. Work on some projects that have been neglected lately. Get a hobby. Whatever you do, give yourself time to heal before you try to get into another serious relationship. Whatever baggage you have from your recent breakup will only poison anything you try to make immediately afterwards. Make sure you are ready mentally and emotionally before you try it again.

Reflect on what worked in the last relationship and what didn’t. Be honest with yourself about this. What made you stay with that person? What made it end? What can you use from this to try to make your next relationship better? This is not just a list of requirements for your next love. What do you need to work on in your own life to make sure that your next try has a better chance of succeeding? By learning what you are looking for and warning signs to avoid you may be able to avoid another big breakup after a huge time investment in something that was going nowhere from the start.

The average person has between five and seven relationships that last more than one year in their lifetimes. Obviously some have more and some have less. If you just ended your sixth, I would not start getting nervous. Just because this one has ended, it doesn’t mean there will not be another one in the future. Take it easy, take it slow and hope that the next one can become your last one.

http://www.futurescopes.com/breaking/786/dealing-breakup-%E2%80%93-letting-go-lost-love

If You’ve Ever Felt Not Quite Good Enough, You Might Appreciate This

If You’ve Ever Felt Not Quite Good Enough, You Might Appreciate This
Maz Ali Maz Ali
Some would argue that comparing ourselves to others drives us to innovate and break barriers. But at what cost?

Balance is essential. Finding ways to tip the scales of our lives toward fulfillment may help us see the world in a way that also drives us to innovate and break barriers.

I often feel like this is the  reason why Its just now taking me so long to be myself and understanding me
Love Me Love Daheem jihar Richardson.
Check this site where I got some inspiration

http://www.upworthy.com/if-youve-ever-felt-not-quite-good-enough-you-might-appreciate-this?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+upworthy+%28Upworthy%29

REDEFINITION OF SELF-ACTUALIZATION

In Toward a Psychology of Being (1968), Maslow redefined self-actualization as episodic.

In other words, any person in any of the peak experiences takes on temporarily many of the characteristics which I found in self-actualizing individuals. That is, for the time they become self-actualizers. We may think of it as a passing characterological change if we wish, and not just as an emotional-cognitive-expressive state. Not only are these his happiest and most thrilling moments, but they are also moments of greatest maturity, individuation, fulfilment – in a word, his healthiest moments.
This makes it possible for us to redefine self-actualization in such a way as to purge it of its static and typological shortcomings, and to make it less a kind of all-or-none pantheon into which some rare people enter at the age of 60. We may define it as an episode, or a spurt in which the powers of the person come together in a particularly efficient and intensely enjoyable way, and in which he is more integrated and less split, more open for experience, more idiosyncratic, more perfectly expressive or spontaneous, or fully functioning, more creative, more humorous, more ego-transcending, more independent of his lower needs, etc. He becomes in these episodes more truly himself, more perfectly actualizing his potentialities, closer to the core of his Being, more fully human.
Such states or episodes can, in theory, come at any time in life to any person. What seems to distinguish those individuals I have called self-actualizing people, is that in them these episodes seem to come far more frequently, and intensely and perfectly than in average people. This makes self-actualization a matter of degree and of frequency rather than an all-or-none affair, and thereby makes it more amenable to available research procedures. We need no longer be limited to searching for those rare subjects who may be said to be fulfilling themselves most of the time. In theory at least we may also search any life history for episodes of self-actualization, especially those of artists, intellectuals and other especially creative people, of profoundly religious people, and of people experiencing great insights in psychotherapy, or in other important growth experiences. (TPB 97,98)

Note that when Maslow refers to “especially creative people”, that he has a broad definition of creativity where creativity is a quality that can be applied to any task in life. Maslow maintained that a first rate soup is better than a second rate painting. While he seems here to be favouring artists, scholars and saints, I don’t think it’s his intention to exclude homemakers, carpenters, athletes, etc.

http://pandc.ca/?cat=abraham_maslow&page=episodic_self_actualization

How to deal with hate and to stop hating that person

Over the years I’ve accumulated many things that ive had a dislike like for.  Now I carry around this fire inside me.  This hate that burns inside of me is a big ball of things I really really dislike.  So just now at 26 im learning to peel off one dislike at a time. This morning I peeled off another ,I dislike the way my spouse treats me when she is bothered or irritated but now Im learning to express it and let it be dont bottle it up as resentment because it only adds to negative thoughts and actions. Ive left a link to help some people who harbor feelings of hate for something or someone hope it was as helpful to you as it was to me.

http://www.lovepanky.com/my-life/relationships/how-to-deal-with-hate

Why I feel like im a king

African history is the oldest human history in the World. From Ancient Egypt to the present great leaders (alive as well as those in transition) have shaped Africa and world history. This page is dedicated to studying their noble deeds, learning from their mistakes and continuing their legacy.

Without Yared, Askia, Bello, Sundiata, Imhotep, Menelik, we would have no history to celebrate. Without Garvey, Du Bois, Duse and Delany there would be no revolution. Without Elijah there would be no Malcolm, without Malcolm no African Holocaust Society .Of all of the legends/elders of Africa none of them held the total solution,

Buy now Motherland
they each brought different elements of perfection. So we do not quote Diop for economics, Blyden for culture, Du Bois for health, Garvey for warfare, King for identity, or Biko for history. Unlike them, we have the joy of hindsight and the better world they created for us to reflect on. They are remember best by emulating the best aspects of their character.

Buy now Motherland
They lived and died to give us a better platform to speak about our oppression (our Holocaust). They are best honored by continuing the spirit of their mission: Orphan quotes, and an X on a cap are not how serious poeple honor their ancestors. We must therefore building upon their legacy to bring about a new African future.

http://www.africanlegends.info

What was the one experience that completely changed your life? What happened? How did it change your life?

One thing that changed my life was my addiction to drugs. It all started when I was in high school going to parties and watching my friends indulge in all different drugs ranging from extacy to cocaine , weeds, shrooms,you name it we did it.How it changed my life was always thinking to have a good time there had to be some kind of drugs involved or alcohol the I became dependent drugs to be social and that’s when I stayed making terrible decisions only to fuel my addiction .

 

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/drug-addiction/DS00183